22 March 2018

Everything is Perfect When You're a Liar by Kelly Oxford





I have to say I am very late to the game reading this, which was released back in 2013. I feel confident I didn't have the sense of humour to appreciate it in 2013 though, so I don't feel too bad about being late here. For those of you who don't know, Kelly Oxford is a Canadian screenwriter. I'm sure she won't take offense to me saying that she's mostly famous for being funny on Twitter, since I've never watched anything she's ever written. She's from Edmonton, Alberta and moved to California with her family to pursue her career in film. I think she's very cool although part of me does find her extremely annoying because she did all the things I'd never have the balls to do and found success out of it, and now gets to hang out with Busy Phillips all the time.

EIPWYAL is her first novel. It's very similar to the genre of celebrity memoirs I love the read where she outlines what her childhood was like and discusses her various relationships. I will say this is definitely at the top of the 'funny' list for this genre of reading. Because Oxford is not your typical big screen celebrity who is dripping in fame, her humour comes from a dry, sarcastic, and bitter place that I love. She is smart enough to recognize that she's not the richest or hottest woman in any room, but she's also mature enough to joke about it.

Kelly Oxford... obviously cool as all hell




Kids are animals. 'Juice!' eighteen-month-old Henry yells from his car seat as I buckle him in. 'Juice! JUICE! JUICE!' And he happily hands me a piece of snot, like it's a payment for all the things I've given him. They grow up so fast, people say. Not because children actually grow up fast, but because we mentally block out most of this shit show."

The chapters vary from starting a play in grade school to taking her kids to Disneyland. Naturally, the Disneyland chapter was my top favourite. I despise amusement parks, and Disney, being the busiest, most expensive one of the lot, is my arch enemy. Just thinking about the long lines, beating sun, $9 bottles of water, and grown adults in full animal suits makes my throat start to close up. I may actually be allergic to Disneyland. Anyways... Oxford writes about Disneyland the same way I think about it. She knew it was a childhood rite of passage, but she went basically against her will, and trying to keep 3 children and a husband happy, fed, and hydrated was exhausting for her. I laughed out loud throughout the entire chapter. I also loved the chapter where she took her teenage savings and flew to Los Angeles to try and become Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend before he got super famous.

On Oprah, this woman said she was so upset because her husband called her a bitch a year into their relationship. I was like, it took a whole year??"

Some of the chapters about her childhood were a bit dull but it is what it is. I don't love reading about kids, I don't love reading from the perspective of kids, so naturally I don't love the chapters from her childhood.

Oxford with her kids (Henry, Bea and Salinger from left to right)

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who enjoys these types of funny memoirs like I do. While I really enjoyed it, I am confident I'll like her most recent book, titled When You Find Out the World is Against You, even more. I think there will be more content related to her modern life, living in California, and her family (the stuff I love) and less of her childhood and early career (the stuff I don't love). It just came out last year and it's definitely going on my birthday list. 

Oxford is also inspiring in that she's from a small town in Canada and has made it big on wit alone. Meghan and I pray for a similar success story everyday, but don't necessarily have the talent or the drive.

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